Monday , 21 May 2018

OUTRAGE! Government/Weather Channel Conspire to “Mess with our Heads”

Frantic musings about North Texas summers are a popular and recyclable pastime as we tick off these last eight, or twenty, weeks before a whiff of Canada spills down the plain to resuscitate the region from a state of fatigued resignation. References to fried eggs, evaporating swimming pools and guys who work in attics, fly round and round to meet the same polite chuckle. The sociopath at daily reminds us that he’s still employed by inserting a “High of 85” and storm cloud icon at day #9 of every 10-day forecast.

There’s nothing we can do but leave for a week; maybe two, but we have to return. We accept the heat and weather. This year is no different except that I wonder if the sociopath has died since for the past few days, the graphic displayed nine days out is the skeletal remains of a carp on dried mud.

Something caught my attention the other day though as I was checking the weather: The average temperature for July 5th is 92 degrees. The figure has been in plain sight forever, but I’d never thought to question it. There I was at sunrise, licking a cube of coffee, aware that it’s been 100 degrees for a couple of weeks and that there’s nothing but fish bones out to the horizon. Then, I spent a moment trying to recall the last year that a July day only hit 92 degrees – its not hard; at that temperature our local Iditerod contenders are out training their teams.

Last year a hurricane brushed us at some point – an event that would see the mercury plunge into the high eighties – for many hours mind you. Could that so profoundly impact the average? I found that the National Weather Service (NOAA) forms its average from a rolling twenty year record. To learn more, I Googled “average” and came to understand that it is a term often associated with math and that if the past ten July 5ths were 102 degrees, then the previous ten would need to have topped out about 82 to make the official “92” number anything but a governmental crock similar in scale with the so-called “lunar landings”. 

As an involuntary observer of weather, I dug out some old records to see if this shadowy NOAH outfit is leveling with us. The results are shocking:


1998 – 103

1999 – 101

2000 – 95

2001 – 113

2002 – 104

2003 – Birds Exploding in Flight

2004-2007 – Lived in Joliet Illinois (near Canada) where it averaged 98

2008 – 99

2009 – Dante’s 2nd, 3rd and 7th circles of Hell

2010 – 89 (remnants of Hurricane Alex)

2011 – 9:50am: Direct TV guy goes in attic. 11:40am: Coroner removes his mummified remains

Suspicion piqued, I delved further with the search terms “McKinney July Average 92 Degrees” and of the top five results one linked to an article on TX DOT’s sanding truck readiness and four results were linked to various videos of circus clowns pointing at the camera and laughing.

Given the above facts, a concerned citizenry must ask the serious question: “So, like what’s up with these weather records, dude?” I call on all of you, the nation to stand demand an explanation! I’d do it myself but am fully invested in getting to the bottom of this Daylight Savings Time scam.

Reader submitted story


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