Thursday , 26 April 2018

Momma Drama: Resolved!

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again: New Year’s Eve is upon us. Every other commercial on television is for Weight Watchers, Reeboks, or Chantix. I am preparing for the January-to-Valentine’s-Day crowd to surge in at the gym, resplendent in their shiny fresh spandex and blindingly white, brand new running shoes, asking me how to set the bicep curl machine.

Yep, it’s that time, alright: time to make a list of ways I didn’t become a better person this year. Oh, I kid. But once more and despite the fact I’m pretty flawless already (erhem), it is the time to talk New Year’s resolutions. It’s so much easier to make resolutions for other people, right? If only.

I’m of two minds, really, when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. On one hand, it seems kind of silly and arbitrary to designate a random day as one to make changes in lifestyle. And usually if you’re waiting for some external cue to prompt you to improve, that means a meaningful, long term change is probably not going to happen. Unless you are prompted internally by your heart, change will be temporary…and you’ll be two-fisting cheeseburgers by January 3. And if you set your sights unrealistically, when you inevitably break the “rules,” you’re going to feel even worse, like you failed. To the shame spiral!

On the other hand, though, no one is a bigger fan of clean slates, new leaves, goal setting, and a desire to improve than moi, even if  New Year’s resolutions seem a bit canned. As a professional counselor, I am totally into second chances, and I know that change is actually unavoidable anyway.

So in the spirit of the season, I started thinking of some resolutions that might actually be attainable for me, just small changes I can make to make being Eliska just a little bit better (not to mention more pleasant to encounter) this year. But I think I’m going to make them winter resolutions. I’m not sure I have stamina for the whole of 2012. What’s that old saying about if you don’t have expectations, you can’t be disappointed? I like the option of a spring revision.

So here’s some examples of some low risk resolutions that I might be willing to consider for the likes of me at least until March:

1. I will make a genuine effort to make Baptists fear and loathe me less. I can’t promise anything.

2. I will not call other drivers names in front of my children. Related: I will also refuse to tell them what “troglodyte” means.

3. I will rise above my love for trashy magazines. After I find out what’s really happening between Russell Brand and Katy Perry. Or if R-Pattz and K-Stew will be getting married.

4. My four year old daughter will not own more shoes than I do.

5. I will call off the war on my cuticles.

6. I will never, ever utter the words “I know! Right?” EVER. AGAIN. Related: I will not throat punch you if you say them to me. Despite how desperately my fist might itch.

7. I will not call a Starbucks latte or last night’s take-out leftovers “breakfast.”

8. I will not call Hubs “Daddy” when there are no children around.

9. I will overcome the shame of pulling my mini-van into the Harley Davidson store. Perhaps I will paint flames down the side of it and re-christen it “The Blazebago.”

10. I will reach some internal zen regarding sharing Dallas with Glenn Beck, George Bush, AND the Kardashians.

See? Keep them specific and reasonable, and you too can make New Year’s or Winter Solstice resolutions that are not only helpful but perhaps even achievable. Except for that last one, I should be all right. I hope so, because Kardashians have a tendency to break me out in sarcasm and eye rolls. Happy New Year, darlings! Whether you think 2012 is the beginning of End Times or the beginning of the Age of  Aquarius, may you achieve everything you want for yourself during it. See you there!

TSB contributor Eliska Counce’s Momma Drama column appears Saturdays on

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