By Eliska Counce, TSB Columnist
The past week in media was awash in the cray cray, as the kids say. Did you catch it? So many nutty people doing nutty things and saying even nuttier ones. In between the re-emergence of world thuggery, the hounding of fat Jessica Simpson, a poor choice in ink for Chris Brown, and the birth of Levi Johnston’s second child, the news was full of questionable people behaving badly. Here’s some of my favorite low points from the week and some lessons we can hopefully take away from each:
9/11 and the Coptic Christian movie. The week of 9/11 is always a hard one, anyway, for any red-blooded American patriot like myself. But leave it to some shady businessman to set my world on fire this particular week with the release of “The Innocence of Muslims,” a 12-minute YouTube creation that makes South Park look like a Spielberg production, to make the week particularly craptacular. Somebody wants a religious war.
Of course, the outrage button in the Middle East is a hot one at best, but extremism took over this week. And what exactly is a Coptic Christian, anyway? It sounds like a religious guy with a gastric condition. And the moderates of the world are just left shaking our heads. Let’s decide to each bring a little more tolerance to our worlds, shall we? I can’t say I’ll be voting Republican just yet. But let’s dial back the hate on all sides, shall we? To quote the late Rodney King: Can’t we all just get along? Or at least cut back on the flag burning.
Jessica Simpson. And then there was Jessica’s vide on TMZ. Oh. Em. Gee. The TMZ staff are terrible people. Poor Jessica Simpson. These are black hearts and mercenary souls. The hateful statements made in this video clip by those people are deplorable, particularly the shrieky shrew who throws Jess under the bus for her “Kirstie Alley hair and fat chin.” Oh, for one, well-placed smack. Harvey Levin, charmer that he is, is particularly appealing as he demands Jess “get on the damn scale” to satisfy his need to know her exact weight. What a schmuck.
Did you catch Jessica “revealing her body” on Katie Couric’s (clearly hard-hitting) afternoon gab show? Yes, daytime TV dedicated solely to the discussion of the width of Jess’ ass. I wonder if Jessica realizes her body doesn’t belong to her? It belongs to Weight Watchers and this crew of clowns at TMZ and in the media, self-appointed to pass judgment on a woman who gave birth four months ago.
Because as a woman, your worth is completely dependent on your looks. Deplorable. Is this who we are as a people? Hey, TMZ crew! You’re not winning any beauty pageants either. And certainly no Mensa memberships. Jessica Simpson, I love your fat ass.
Chris Brown’s neck tat.
And then, from the myopic world of our favorite anger management patient:
Is not supposed to look like a battered Rihanna. It is, according to Brown, a Day of the Dead style woman’s face as half skeleton. Really? Really. Firstly, doesn’t a neck tattoo automatically indicate you just might not be a Rhodes Scholar anyway, but you’re Chris Brown, convicted woman beater, and you put a female face that’s half skull on the side of your head?
If Chris Brown were any more clueless, I’d worry about him crossing the street alone. Doesn’t he have people? What handler in his life said, “Why yes, sir, tattooing a half-dead woman’s face in a constantly visible area on your body is an excellent idea and won’t remind people you nearly battered a chick’s face in once at all. Go for it“?
Speaking of the What The Hell Were You Thinking Files: don’t even get me started with Rihanna sneaking him a kiss at the MTV Video Awards. Where is her self esteem? That girl has got some serious Daddy issues. Put your ear to any one of her tattoos and you can hear them. So here’s to raised awareness about our individual issues, eh? And a general no-no for neck tats unless you’ve given up on being a regular member of society.
And last, but not least, this week:
Levi Johnston procreates again, names baby after gun. Memba him? He’s Sarah Palin’s grandbaby-daddy, ex-Playgirl model, and, arhem, author. He was onstage at a Republican National Convention. And this week, he had another baby out of wedlock. A girl, charmingly named Breeze Beretta. Yes. That baby is named after a gun. And we wonder why the terrorists hate us. Isn’t Levi’s mother in jail for meth distribution? I’m thinking we better start a defense trust fund for Baby Beretta right now. God help that baby.
My favorite stories from humans behaving badly. Here’s to next week featuring more tolerance for our brothers and sisters, fewer burning tires and flags, more moderation and less extremism, less objectification of women and a new respect for how we treat them (related: your worth doesn’t fluctuate with the size of your behind). Let’s have insight into the fact that every decision we make has repercussions. For whether it’s a bad neck tat or a terrible name for your baby girl? Some things you just can’t take back. Here’s to next week being a little less cringe-worthy.