Monday , 25 September 2017
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Eliska Counce: Snow White and the Husband

By Eliska Counce, TSB Columnist

I think it’s pretty much an understatement: it’s been a pretty serious past couple of weeks in the news. In between the theater shootings in Colorado and the Chick-Fil-Gay wars, turning on the television or getting online can depress a girl. What’s a whimsical blogger to do?

So I’m delighted to report that Kirsten Stewart, known to tabloids and kids everywhere charmingly as K-Stew, has obliged me and cheated on her boyfriend actor Robert Pattinson (R-Patz. Got to love the tabloids …) with a married man. I am thusly pleased to announce Kristen Stewart has saved us all! For the best American antidote for times when the world gets dark can only be talking about when the rich, beautiful, and famous behave badly, all the while passing judgment on people we couldn’t possibly know or understand. Celebrity schadenfreude: good for the soul in trying times.

Now, in the case you live under a rock or are lucky enough to have zero contact with teenage girls, you know that Kristen Stewart, 23, and Robert Pattinson, 26, play the wildly popular sparkly movie vampires Bella and Edward from the cash-creating, tween-frenzying Twilight movie franchise. They’ve been dating for four years, supposedly. And it always works out well for a vehicle when reel-life couples are real-life loves as well.

So what exactly happened that given the “ideal” relationship, Stewart would turn to the director of her next film, Snow White and the Huntsman’s Rupert Sanders, for a little OPP? I’m here to talk a little bit about cheating in general and more specifically, why Kristen Stewart’s extra-curriculars with her married, 41-year-old, father-of-two director was more his fault than hers.

Her age. I think it was the philosophers Blink 182 who eloquently penned: nobody likes you when you’re 23. Sadly, Kristen’s not done cooking, mentally speaking. Brain development really doesn’t complete until around your mid-20s, so identity is still fluid. This is why I think marriage is best left until after 25 and some, shall we say, responsible oat-sowing. Combine having the experience of one boyfriend since the age of 19? It seems developmentally appropriate for Kristen to have a wandering eye.

His age. I’m sorry, but BLARG. You’re a married, 41 year old man. No matter what the state of your union, you don’t have the excuse of youthful indiscretion. Making out with a chick who could be your daughter is just nasty and wrong. You should have enough life experience to know there will be no winner here. And that’s not even mentioning your blatant disregard for your family. Related:

He’s married. She’s not. Not that I’m defending her, erm, illegal use of hands here, but unlike him, this is a man who swore to someone: no dying and NO CHEATING. I’ve heard many a married person rationalize to me why their marriage is so bad it excuses cheating. I’m sorry, but I’m going to judge you and say if you can’t wait until the ink is dry on a divorce decree to peruse other people’s pants, you have an impulse problem that should be addressed professionally.

His abuse of power. I don’t care if Kristen climbed on a table and did the Dance of the Seven Veils to seduce Rupert Sanders; he was her boss. He should have said, “Get down off that table and go call your limey boyfriend.” There was a professional relationship that was hierarchical. It was Sanders’ job to direct her, to tell her how to act. She was under his tutelage. The power imbalance and professional relationship here means Sanders exploited Stewart.

So whether or not Kristen Stewart is a fast heifer (I quote the internet here), or just mind-bafflingly stupid to turn to an old dad-guy over her super-hot, loyal, brooding, British hunk of…wait. What were talking about? Oh, yes. Robert Pattinson. Even if Stewart was foolish and (as she put it) “momentarily distracted,” it’s Rupert Sanders who should really be wearing the scarlet A here. Given his age, his position, his power, and his marital status, there’s more culpability for him in this situation pulled straight from the soaps.

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