By Eliska Counce, TSB Columnist
Ah, Halloween. I’ve loved the holiday as long as I can remember. I still adore watching Linus wait for the Great Pumpkin to rise from that earnest pumpkin patch. What’s not to love about All Hallows’ Eve? Panhandling for free candy and stuffing one’s face with fat and sugar is as American a holiday as they come. God bless the USA, Willy Wonka, the Mars empire, and the entire Hershey kingdom. And stuffing my face with little candy bars actually does convince me for a day that fun does, indeed, come in a size.
Ever since I donned my very first plastic mask with the slit to breathe through (why did those eye holes never line up? You always had to just pick an eye), I have been enamored, nay, enraptured by Halloween. There was nothing more exciting than the time to put on those great drugstore costumes that threatened to go up in flames if you waved them over a Jack O’Lantern and go threaten your neighbors in exchange for carbs.
As an adult, Halloween only got better and better with the arrival of the drinking age and the addition of slasher flicks. A year without a viewing of Carrie or seeing Jamie Lee Curtis scream her head off for the million and eleventh time? Halloween blasphemy.
Yep, I love me some Halloween. And speaking of costumes: I still dress up! I’m a good witch (excepting certain sensitive times of the month) with a great hat. But there is one aspect of Halloween that seems to have developed since I was a kid in my plastic Wonder Woman gown. It seems that costumes for females have become increasingly…comment se dit?…slutty.
Think about it. Now every costume has a “sexy” version for women. You’re not just a pirate, a cat, or a bumblebee if you are a female. You are a “sexy” pirate, bee, or bumblebee. It’s tramp-o-riffic out there, I tell you. We as a gender need alternatives. You have me. So in that vein, here’s some non-slutty costume ideas for females that might just work for you:
Hillary Clinton. All you need are big sunglasses, a pantsuit, a blonde ponytail, and a phone to constantly send texts on, a la the “Texts From Hillary” meme. Oh, and a face that means business.
Elizabeth Warren. Okay, don’t go as Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren. No one will get it, and you will probably lose friends.
An Olympic gymnast. Got a one-piece swimsuit? Accessorize that baby with red, white, and blue duct tape, make yourself a medal, and you are good to go. Optional: the unimpressed attitude of McKayla Maroney.
Big Bird. He’s big, he’s popular, he’s been in the news. And he’s definitely not slutty. Wear a sandwich board that says “Will Work for Birdseed” for extra creativity points. Bonus: your partner can be Snuffleupagus. Your choice whether or not to go old school Sesame Street and have other grownups unable to see Snuffy.
A cop. I kind of like Agent Scully from The X Files. Again: a pantsuit, a weapon, a badge…and attitude. Cuffs are optional. And no cop wears a skirt and fishnets, by the way. It’s very hard to fight crime in six inch heels.
Cleopatra. Queen of the Nile, baby! Had Caesar AND Mark Antony after her. Just hang on to your asp.
Thelma and Louise. I love this one, because you and your girlfriend can go together. Bandannas! T shirts! Boots! And…mom jeans. Sorry, but it’s not Thelma and Louise without mom jeans. And all night you can turn to one another, clasp hands and yell “Whee!” like you’re running your car off a cliff.
Marge Simpson. Big blue hair, a shift, some pearls. Marge is an easy, breezy cover girl who runs her household smoothly and still holds the attention of her man without showing a lot of skin. Her groan is easily mimicked.
Joan of Arc or Mother Teresa. Quite modest. And you’ll shock everyone when you do shots.
The Statue of Liberty. Just don’t invite home the huddled masses.
Princess Leia. Now, Princess Leia is pretty covered up. But unlike in Star Wars, you’ll want to wear a bra under your costume. Carrie Fisher wasn’t allowed to wear one because, and this is a true story, George Lucas said there was no underwear in space. Bet you’ll never watch that movie the same way again, will you?
A Pilgrim. As the right wing contingency seems to want to turn back the clock, why not dial past the 1950’s all the way to Puritan times?
Here’s hoping some of these suggestions will inspire you to challenge the over-sexualization of women’s Halloween costumes. There are more options than sexy barmaid, sexy vampire, or sexy anything. Joking aside, let’s not pick something to wear that sets back the female gender too far, eh? Here’s hoping you keep your dignity. Because friends? Don’t let friends dress like sluts for Halloween.