My man chooses to spend time with his friends, or it seems everyone else but me, when he has any free time. Even when we make plans to meet for a drink, he texts me to tell me that one of his friends or business acquaintances wants to meet up with him, so he will see me later. Later usually doesn’t come. He goes home because he is tired or by the time he is finished meeting with someone else, I’m tired and don’t feel like getting together.
I’ve tried to talk with him about it, but he doesn’t see that there is a problem. I feel like I don’t matter even though he says he loves me. I’m beginning to think there is someone else. What do you think Tallulah?
Lost and Lonely in McKinney
Dear Lost and Lonely,
There can be several possible explanations for your partner’s behavior. First, is your partner an introvert? If so, he may need some serious alone time. Being around people all day at work and during daily living can take a lot out of an introverted person and alone time is needed to rejuvenate. Don’t take this personally, it’s needed and if he doesn’t receive it, you probably won’t want to be around him. If he is not an introvert, ask yourself how often is this really happening? We can dwell on an occasional happenstance if it upsets us. If it does happen everyday and he is ditching you for others, then there may be a problem in the relationship. You should want to spend time with your loved one. Let him know it hurts your feelings. Explain it to him in a calm manner. Use “I messages” when having the conversation. Describe how it makes you feel instead of explaining what he does wrong. This will make him defensive and threatened. No matter the explanation, you owe it to your psyche to figure out the reason. I wish you luck!
My guy and I have been dating for about a year. I think he’s a great guy, but some of his behaviors really annoy me. He can be very selfish, but I don’t think he sees that at all. So many of our discussions are about him and his work. How do you tell someone that he’s selfish and is it possible that the person can change?
Wondering in McKinney
Dear Wondering in McKinney,
Guess what… All people get annoyed at their significant others and the longer you have been together, the more often it occurs. It’s natural in all types of relationships that exist in our lives. The important thing is not to dwell and not to let it get to you. When he is talking, try changing the subject and see if that works. You could also try reflective listening, by paraphrasing back to him what he just said. This shows him that you are focused on what he is saying and may increase his self-awareness of how much the conversation centers on him. If these don’t work and the selfishness continues, you may just have yourself a selfish guy and it’s up to you if you can handle that long term or not. One thing I always say to myself is that people can’t change who they are, but they can continually improve themselves, he just has to be willing. You can’t make a cat bark!